What it’s like to be British
• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
