A guy tried to sell me a coffin.
I told him that’s the last thing I need.
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It wasn’t the cough that carried him off, it was the coffin they carried him off in
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Have you ever noticed how many famous racing drivers are named after places in Scotland?
Lewis Hamilton, Stirling Moss, Ayr toon centre
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You pulling crackers early here.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response.
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support
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I asked my dad if he could explain what a solar eclipse is.
He replied “no son”.
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Shite
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And there’s me thinking the Edinburgh fringe festival is at the cutting edge of comedy
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Old Dai is on his deathbed with Blodwen by his side. With tears in is eyes he turns to her and says, “Blod, I have to confess, I was unfaithful twice during our marriage.”
Stunned, she says.“Who with, Dai?”
He replies, “Betty Thomas at no. 43, then Mary Evans at no. 22.”
“Well,” says Blodwen, “I suppose I’d better confess. I strayed twice, too.”
Dai says, “Oh, who with, then?”
Blodwen says, “First it was with Billy Williams, and then with the 2nd Battalion of The South Wales Borderers.”
The only one that I enjoyed even a bit there was the Nationwide joke.
The winning zookeeper/cheetah joke is abysmal, and doesn’t even really work. I’d expect better from the worst Christmas cracker.
I wonder how much her agency had to pay to get that nominated, let alone winning.
I cannot imagine that even being in the top 100 lines at Fringe lol. If it is one of the best then they should just discontinue the whole event.
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I’ve got a date with a lady who self identifies as a wheelie bin…but can’t remember if I’m taking her out Tuesday or Wednesday
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Scouse kid runs into the house shouting, “Mam, Mam, there’s been a big fire down at Tesco’s!”. “Asda?”, she replies. The kid yells, “No Mam, Tesco’s!”
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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Fuck that’s very good
How does a Muslim close the door?
Islams it.
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Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet. The vet asks, “Is it a tom.” Bloke replies, “ Nay lad, its in t’basket wi’ me here.”
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I was in psychology class yesterday and we were all laughing about how stupid Pavlov’s dogs were. Then the bell rang and we all went out and had lunch.
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It just cos me a quid - that’s right, one whole english pound - to put air in my tires. It used to be 20p ffs
Suppose that’s inflation for you.
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