The Joke Thread

Two things never get old - dark humour and unvaccinated children.


I went into a pet shop last week and asked the girl behind the counter if she’d had a cockatoo in lately. That’s how I got this black eye.


Does anyone remember Sickipedia? That shit was so funny, but I won’t post anything here since I’ll probably get instabanned (plus, I was probably much, much younger when I was reading that stuff). Anyway, having had a look, they’re no longer that funny to me now, but I will post a link here from the Internet Archive.

WARNING: Most are highly offensive and sick. Proceed at your own risk.

Laughed an entire week worth of saliva out :joy:

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Nope. @ekr had the right instinct in not posting the actual jokes. If people want to read them then there’s the link. Do not repeat them here.

Prude :joy:

There were a couple of jokes in there that got me LOLing to be fair.

Mostly shit, though

I was in bed with my new girlfriend, she was stroking my arm and being very sympathetic and reassuring,
“Darling, there’s nothing wrong in having a small penis , it’s fine honestly “ she said in soft voice .
“ I know “ I replied , just wish you didn’t have one “


I was busy getting my shopping in Sainsbury’s today when this hooligan started throwing eggs , milk ,cream and butter at me!
I thought how dairy !





A new girl is working behind the counter at an ironmonger’s and a bloke walks in and says, “I want to buy a file, a big bastard.” The girl shrieks in horror and runs to get the manager.

“It’s okay Jenny,” says the manager, “a bastard is a type of large file. The gentleman wasn’t being rude.” So Jenny brings a file and the customer happily goes on his way.

Five minutes later, another bloke walks in and asks Jenny to see some files. Brimming with confidence now, she asks, “Would you like a big bastard, Sir?”

“No,” he replies, “just a little fucker to do my nails with.”

A bloke is sitting at the bar having a pint with Rover, his lovely Golden Retriever sitting next to him.

After a while, this gorgeous blonde walks in and says to him, “Oh, what a beautiful dog. He’s a Golden Retriever, right?”

“Yes, he is,” replies the bloke.

She says, “They’re very intelligent aren’t they?”

“Oh yeah, he does tricks. He can count, you know.”

“Wow, that’s amazing. Do you think he’ll do a trick for me?” says the blonde.

“Sure.” He turns to the dog and says, “Rover, count to four.”

“Woof, woof, woof, woof,” goes the dog.

“Oh my, that’s fantastic,” she says. “What else can he do?”

The bloke says, “Well, if you don’t mind me saying, he likes to lick a woman’s pussy.”

"Wow, do you think he’d do that now?

“Well, I suppose so,” replies the bloke. So the blonde hikes up her skirt and pulls the crutch of her knickers to one side. “Rover, eat her out,” he says. The dog just sits there looking around the room. Again he commands the dog, “Rover, eat her out.” The dog still just sits there not interested.

Getting off his stool on to one knee in front of the blonde, he says, “Rover, this is the last time I show you how.”


A scouser was on holiday in northern Canada and had been driving all day. Arriving at his hotel in a one-horse town in the middle of nowhere, he went into the bar for a drink. As he sat at a table he noticed a big indian sat at the end of the bar, He turned to another guy at the table and said, “Who’s the big fella over there?”

“He’s the memory man. He doesn’t forget anything,” the guy replies.

The scouser thinks he’ll have a bit of fun and test this memory man. So he walks over and says, “Who won the 1965 Cup Final, and what was the score?”

The memory man, quick as a flash says, “Liverpool, 2-1.”

Bloody hell thinks the scouser, he’s fookin’ amazing.

Two years go by and the scouser is back up in that part of the world and, sure enough, there’s the big indian, the memory man sat at the end of the bar.

With a big smile on his face, he greets the indian, “How,” he says.

The memory man replies, “Ian St. John, diving header.”

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Yeah the jokes are definitely better confined within 3-4 sentences

I was in bed with this blind girl and she turned to me and said
“Wow ,
that’s the biggest cock I’ve ever felt !”
I replied “ your pulling my leg”


I’m not really a joke kind of person, I always fake laugh if someone tells me one

Rob Green has trained today and in 3 hours he had 4,000 shots fired at him and did not concede a single goal. Tomorrow, he and Heskey will train with the rest of the squad.

(oldie still good, should be adapted to some present-day players)