The Joke Thread

Benteke and Solanke, probably the two worst strikers in the prem

I’d have to put Conor Wickham in there.


A week later I went back to the same bookshop, and was served by the same girl.

“I’m looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat”, I said. She paused, and replied, “It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s there or not”


So, there’s a cruise ship docked in Yokohama, Japan and the people on board are in quarantine due to an outbreak of the Wuhan virus. There are a number of irish Nationals on board and last night they were given 2 options. They could either stay on the ship for 3 weeks in quarantine or they could return home but they’d have to go into quarantine in Tipperary…

Needless to say, they’ve all decided to stay on the ship.
Well, it is a long way… init?


Good one lol

It takes 5 minutes to walk from my house to the pub.

It takes 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering!


A spinster complained she had been mugged by a big man wearing a ski mask. She said he had run his big dirty fingers all over her trembling body and told him she had no cash, and that if he ever did that again she’d have to write him a cheque.


There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


The inventor of the sexual innuendo died today.

His wife is taking it really hard.


So I went into the shop and asked about an effective disinfectant against coronavirus and this woman says, “Ammonia cleaner.”

“Oh, sorry,” says I, “I thought you worked the till.”


My latest girlfriend has finally had enough of my premature ejaculation ,
At first she took it on the chin but now it’s getting on her tits :joy::joy:


Police are investigating the theft of a container of toilet rolls and say that they are concerned about the corona virus and hope to find the thieves before it’s too late. But they aren’t holding out much hope as they have nothing to go on.

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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. Finally, WHO let the dogs out.



Didn’t the WuHan Clan sing that?


I’ve been singing “Wuhan Clan ain’t nothing to fuck wit” over the past few days after listening to lots of nineties hip hop recently, can’t get it out of my head lol

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Before my surgery the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle

It was an ether/oar situation.


just like the film role models, this wasn’t funny

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I make you wrong on both counts good sir.

You should offer a joke yourself if you’re popping into this thread haha

ok then, this is probably the only joke I’ve ever found funny

What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light?

Don’t look I’m changing :slight_smile:

I told that joke as a kid on stage on holiday and won a teddy


Never change, Luke :joy: