Reminds me of those who ask “can I play the violin afterwards?” Before they’re given the anaesthetic and get a tooth pulled out. Polite as I am I reply “yes, of course”.
“Good, because I’ve always wanted to be able to play it”.
“That’s a good one, never heard that one before…” (thank f*** I’ve put my face mask on already). “Ha…ha…ha…” 
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen.
So now Blackburn has a bigger Covid spike than Leicester. Well well well! Who would of thought it? There is a common link here that no one dare come out and say.
Well I’m not scared to say what it is, even if the Government and local leaders are!
It’s only worse in towns and cities that have won the premier league!
Fuck it! I’m off to live in Tottenham. I should be safe there!
I wasn’t very good in school. The teacher asked me what I wasn’t very good at that started with the letter ‘N’. I said ‘spelling’.
The wife loves me. She bought me a nice jacket last week - got it for a good price, too. Only problem is that one sleeve is a bit shorter than the other two.
That’s where your head goes buddy 
Girl walks into a book shop, looks at the assistant and says, “I’m looking for authors who are good horse based thriller writers.”
He says, “Do you like Dick Francis?”
“Well, yes I do,” she replied, “and how did you know my name is Francis?”
Friend of mine, he’s an undertaker, told me about a new trend, glass coffins. I asked him if he thought they’d catch on.
He just said, “Remains to be seen.”
Male bees die after mating.
That’s basically their life.
Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
beehave
I picked up a hitch-hiker last night. He said, “Thanks, but you’re taking a bit of a risk. How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him, “Come on now, what are the odds of having two serial killers travelling in the same car?”
I’ve decided to dress up as a different type of bread everyday next week …….
Roll on Monday
I’ve recently taken up silent tennis.
It’s basically just normal tennis but without the racket.
A very wise man once told his wife:
Nothing. He was a very wise man.
Brilliant 
Went out into my herb garden today. Would’ve sworn I heard the BeeGees.
But no, it was just the chives talkin’.
I went to the gym yesterday and asked what machine should I go on to impress the women. The bloke said, “Try the ATM, you fat git.”
