The Joke Thread

Father Christmas comes down the chimney and there’s this fit blonde lying starkers on the fireside rug. She says, “Right, you’ve delivered the kids’ toys, shouldn’t you be on your way?” Santa says, “Well, I can’t get back up the chimney now, can I?”

4 Likes

Nelson was 5’4" tall
His statue/column in London is 16 feet tall

That’s Horatio of roughly 3:1

3 Likes

I asked my North Korean friend about his life & general well being in NK.
He replied - “I can’t complain”

2 Likes

Home Covid Test


  1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

  2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

  3. If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms that you don’t have Covid.

Last night I did the test nineteen times and all were negative. Tonight I’m going to do the test again because I woke up this morning with a thumping headache and I feel like I’m coming down with something. I’m so nervous.

11 Likes

I visited my friend in his new house the other day.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate visitors.

10 Likes

I went out for a meal last night. I arrived a bit early at the restaurant and so the manager said “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I said “No”.

“Excellent” he said. “Take these drinks to table 9”.

3 Likes

My cloning experiments finally paid off.

I’m so excited. I’m beside myself.

7 Likes

What’s pink and wrinkly and hangs out my boxer shorts ……………
my wife :joy::joy::joy:

3 Likes

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

Ian

4 Likes

Brilliant

A bossy man goes into a bar.

He orders everyone a round.

2 Likes

AFC

1 Like

Two guys mountain hiking in the Rockies. They’d made good progress so they decide to take a lunch break and take off their boots to relax a bit.

Suddenly a bear appears about 50 yards away and one guy hurriedly puts his boots on and laces them up. The other fella says, “That’s no good, you can’t outrun a bear.” The first guy replies, “I don’t need to. I just need to outrun you.”

5 Likes

Communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them

7 Likes

When I moved into an igloo my friends threw me a house warming party.

Now I’m homeless

11 Likes

I visited my friend in his new house the other day. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate visitors.

1 Like

@Phoebica ^

1 Like

Yeah, I will be getting my lawyers involved.

I went to one of those faith healer meetings last night. Bloody rubbish. Even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

10 Likes

No, don’t try and get out of this with a funny joke.

I want an acknowledgment that I am the funniest woman to ever exist.