So I had my first panic/anxiety attack yesterday. And another one today.
I think they’ve been several years in the coming, I’ve dealt with depression and self-esteem issues and dark thoughts for over a decade now but I’ve always been able to deal with it and cope. But it’s come to a head now and the straw has finally broken the camel’s back.
It’s an accounting module in my masters’ that is said straw. I have lived a life of pretty much zero regrets, which at 26 is pretty impressive. I can happily look back and say I regret none of the major decisions I made in my life, except for this one. Rather than do a module I’d be good at like Business Ethics or E-Commerce or Marketing, I decided to challenge myself and prove that I could be good at maths despite a notoriously poor mathematical background. Big mistake. I failed the exam the first time round (badly) and now I’ve got the re-sit on Friday and it ain’t going down differently. No matter how much I revise, or sit down with the lecturer, or read about it, I just don’t get it. I can’t get my head around it. And now over 10 years of depression, self-loathing, insecurities, uncertainty, suicidal thoughts and all that good stuff are flooding in and completely drowning me. It’s like the module textbook has become the physical manifestation of all that bad shit. I haven’t been able to function properly the last few days and I just know there’s no way I can do this re-sit on Friday.
I should like to emphasise that the module has merely been the catalyst. I think the root cause was years of malicious bullying when I was younger which then manifested into a host of issues as I grew older which slowly grew worse and ate away at me from the inside.
I’ve spoken to my parents and I’m going to fly out and stay with them for a while and see a psychologist; I’ve e-mailed the postgraduate tutor and told them the issue and hopefully we can work out something with extenuating circumstances. It’s a bummer because I’ll have to re-sit the exam in January which means instead of graduating in February I’ll have to wait until July. And even then, I’ll still have to deal with it in January. I just feel so lost.
How do I tell my girlfriend?
We’ve been together for almost a year, and we both love each other. We’ve been doing the long distance thing for a few months since she’s back in the US working over the summer etc. so she’s not been here to see it all. I owe it to her to tell her the truth and I won’t lie to her but I don’t want to scare her or worry her or make her think less of me. I’ve always been so scared of the stigmas of mental health myself, and always just told myself to suck it up because I didn’t want to appear weak or pathetic, and the last thing I want is for my girlfriend to look at me like I’m a lesser man. I’m already not particularly big or strong, the one thing I prided myself on was my resilience and strong mentality #irony
I’ve been feeling pretty awful so I just wanted to vent and maybe see what you guys had to say. I’ve been on the forum for over 7 years now and this is one of the few places where I feel like I can speak candidly about stuff like this.